Well for some reason, it isnt...ok making friends is, hello! Im a Gemini! :D
So far, all of this energy wasted on looking for a decent serving job has done nothing but prevent me from doing what I really should be putting my energy towards, what I love..photography. However, this plan has been nothing but one disappointment after the other. Whats a girl gotta do to get by around here? There has to be at least 3 million restaurants in NYC and I KNOW people have money to spend on fabulous waitresses.. WHAT GIVES? Ive blazed through 4 or 5 places, mostly because they straight up lie about the profit Ill be making. I know my worth in that business and its not cheap! Have you seen my smile lately? And have you seen my hustle? Im a ninja!! And to top it off, Im genuinely NICE!! ( unless your mean to me...then I kindly ignore you...keep your five bucks..)
So why am I torturing myself? I have a savings account but its for emergencies. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! IM LOSING MY EFFING MIND!!! I need to allow myself to invest in myself. (see how there is 2 of us? Me against me?) Its ok invest in my business. Actually, its GREAT to invest in my own business.
I worry about money too much because I have a fear of debt. I must let that go. I cant let a few thousand dollars prevent me from exceeding and earning triple. I will not let that fear dictate my future.
So I've been going over this alot lately. alot. Over and over, mostly while I stand around in dead ass restaurants waiting for imaginary customers to come in and support me.
Over dinner the other night, after a weird day of mood swings and personal torture, Mike asked me what was wrong. And if you're anything like me, you try to be tough and battle your problems alone to not bother anyone with your issues. ( I cant help it, Im programmed this way and I don't even realize it until its boiling) But you see, Michael can see right through my fake smile and sad eyes and I just lost it. Right there, in public. And then, because Im crying in public, I cry more because Im in public and its embarrassing. Im then worried that people think Mike is being mean to me, which makes me more sad because he's an angel!! aaaaah!!! I just wanted to go home. Here's the bad part about NYC. If youre sad, and you just wanna cry on the drive home, in the privacy of your car, blaring angry music, you just cant. Instead you have to get on a train with hundreds of strangers and cry. Its awful. 4 stops later, we got home. I crawled out the window to our fire escape to breathe. I told him how scared and lost I felt.
He wrapped his arms around me and told me everything would be ok if I just did it. He said that the Universe is screaming at me to stop wasting my time on anything else. He was right. I believed him. He offered to help me. He offered to take care of me because he knows it will work. Nobody has ever taken care of me. Ever. I grew up supporting myself since I was 16. ( Ok I came home for a year or two when I was 19..thanks Mom!) This was new to me. I felt relief. I felt loved. I felt safe. I felt a shift. I felt a push.
Thank you everyone for pushing me to jump.
P.S. It took me 2 hours to write this. I need help. Michelle, please take over and Ill just ramble while you write.....
yes, yes, YES!!! and there is the part that no one could ever do for you. michael is the best, tho you already know that. i'll warn you now that most of your drive will come from being uneasy accepting his help, but you're over the biggest hurdle! it's humbling to be so vulnerable. i'm 100% here for you, however i think you are going to AMAZE yourself here shortly. i think someday you'll measure success and failure very differently. i think you'll find other talents by complete accident. i think, most of all, you'll look back at this break in your psyche and see your whole life leading up to it in slow motion. frame by frame...
ReplyDeletei love you, my irish twin. i not only believe in you, i KNOW you. xoxo
I am honored and proud to be a part of your journey. We may not be there in person- but Paul and I are with you in spirit. You have an amazing gift not many people have. And I know how it feels for real (I'm an artist too remember). It is scary and lonely and it feels like you are baring your soul and breaking the bank. But keep on pushing because I know you'll make it. You are gifted and beautiful and you have drive and strength. Get out there and show NYC what you are really made of! Love you! -andrea & eepy
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