Pretty Things

Its getting chilly out. These are photos of dried lavender that I spray pained white and hung in my home so they would last forever. They feel like winter to me.

Personal | Jump.

So as you may know, Mike and I moved to Brooklyn 4 months ago with little goals and BIG goals. My plan was to get a quick serving job to support myself while I pursue my blossoming photography business. Here's how it went:  1) Get a great serving job that allows me a light schedule with cash.  2) Use the remaining time attending networking groups and photography conferences. 3) Make friends. Sounds simple right?
Well for some reason, it isnt...ok making friends is, hello! Im a Gemini!   :D
So far, all of this energy wasted on looking for a decent serving job has done nothing but prevent me from doing what I really should be putting my energy towards, what I love..photography. However, this plan has been nothing but one disappointment after the other. Whats a girl gotta do to get by around here? There has to be at least 3 million restaurants in NYC and I KNOW people have money to spend on fabulous waitresses.. WHAT GIVES? Ive blazed through 4 or 5 places, mostly because they straight up lie about the profit Ill be making. I know my worth in that business and its not cheap! Have you seen my smile lately? And have you seen my hustle? Im a ninja!! And to top it off, Im genuinely NICE!! ( unless your mean to me...then I kindly ignore you...keep your five bucks..)
So why am I torturing myself? I have a savings account but its for emergencies. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! IM LOSING MY EFFING MIND!!! I need to allow myself to invest in myself. (see how there is 2 of us? Me against me?) Its ok invest in my business. Actually, its GREAT to invest in my own business.
I worry about money too much because I have a fear of debt. I must let that go. I cant let a few thousand dollars prevent me from exceeding and earning triple. I will not let that fear dictate my future.
So I've been going over this alot lately. alot. Over and over, mostly while I stand around in dead ass restaurants waiting for imaginary customers to come in and support me.
Over dinner the other night, after a weird day of mood swings and personal torture, Mike asked me what was wrong. And if you're anything like me, you try to be tough and battle your problems alone to not bother anyone with your issues. ( I cant help it, Im programmed this way and I don't even realize it until its boiling) But you see, Michael can see right through my fake smile and sad eyes and I just lost it. Right there, in public. And then, because Im crying in public, I cry more because Im in public and its embarrassing. Im then worried that people think Mike is being mean to me, which makes me more sad because he's an angel!! aaaaah!!! I just wanted to go home. Here's the bad part about NYC. If youre sad, and you just wanna cry on the drive home, in the privacy of your car, blaring angry music, you just cant. Instead you have to get on a train with hundreds of strangers and cry. Its awful. 4 stops later, we got home. I crawled out the window to our fire escape to breathe. I told him how scared and lost I felt.
He wrapped his arms around me and told me everything would be ok if I just did it. He said that the Universe is screaming at me to stop wasting my time on anything else. He was right. I believed him. He offered to help me. He offered to take care of me because he knows it will work. Nobody has ever taken care of me. Ever. I grew up supporting myself since I was 16. ( Ok I came home for a year or two when I was 19..thanks Mom!) This was new to me. I felt relief. I felt loved. I felt safe. I felt a shift. I felt a push.

Michael is not the only one who believes in me. My cousin Michelle believes in me, all of my sisters believe in me, all of my aunts and uncles believe in me, all of my Moms' believe in me, my best friends believe in me, Complete strangers believe in me, and Im pretty sure Unicorn believes in me. (We had a great heart to heart today.) She may have just wanted to me pet her but, Im pretty sure I heard her say "do it Mommy meow"

Thank you everyone for pushing me to jump.

P.S. It took me 2 hours to write this. I need help. Michelle, please take over and Ill just ramble while you write.....